[Original Post Date: August 7, 2021]
“I’m so sorry to tell you this,” said the doctor sitting next to me on December 18, 2018, “but it is breast cancer.”
I was 27-years-old when I was diagnosed with a type of cancer much more commonly found in older women. While it would have been emotionally appropriate for me to be angry, I don’t remember feeling that way initially. I distinctly remember being desperate to understand why the Lord was allowing this to happen. I didn’t suddenly doubt His goodness or sovereignty, but my mind couldn’t immediately rectify those truths with the situation I found myself in. Less than 1% of breast cancer is in women in their 20’s – so, why me?
It was only two weeks prior that I had noticed a lump, but, suddenly, I was given a schedule of appointments with no less than five separate doctors and two other specialists. Each of them had a plan on how to move forward – a plan to give me the best chance to make it to the coveted five-year survival mark. But I was still stuck on “why”.
We are all familiar with the kinds of questions a child or unbeliever often asks. Why does a loving God allow sickness and death? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why was their prayer not met with the result they were hoping for? The answers I had come up with in the past were good enough when wasn’t the one facing the crisis. But on the day of my diagnosis, with my pain increasing and my adrenaline from the news wearing off, I was thirsty for a drink from the well. If I was going to face treatments I never would have asked for, I needed to know it was unto something.
I was already familiar with verses like Romans 8:28 and Proverbs 3:5: reminders that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, and that I was called to trust Him instead of leaning on my own understanding. I believed those things, but there was still an unspoken desperation to see what specific beauty the Lord could bring forth from the ashes of my imagined life.
It was on that first day that I was able to sit down with one of my mentors to process the unimaginable. After patiently listening to me explain my fear and disappointment, he said, “This reminds me of Paul in Galatians.” I blinked some tears out of my eyes and stared at him with obvious confusion on my face. He pulled out his phone and read to me:
"You know it was because of a bodily ailment that I preached the gospel to you at first, and though my condition was a trial to you, you did not scorn or despise me, but received me as an angel of God, as Christ Jesus." (Galatians 4:13-14, ESV)
It wasn’t as if those words made all of my negative emotions instantly melt away, but the Word of the Lord did bring order to my chaos. The cancer that was growing in my body was not an original part of God’s design – it was a result of the fall in Eden. Thankfully, God has never taken a hands-off approach to His creation - He actually invites us into His story at every turn. My hope began to grow as I realized I had a whole new way to partner with Him. I realized my sickness could give me opportunities to share the gospel that I never would have had, if not for that six letter word so many fear to hear.
In the years since I was diagnosed, I have been continually amazed and encouraged by opportunities I have had to tell of His grace to doctors, nurses, fellow patients, and those close to me. I have seen hearts soften to His truth in an entirely new way. People around me haven’t learned more about Jesus because of my eloquent apologetics arguments, but I believe they have had a front row seat to what I’ve been learning about His character: as a Shepherd to His hurting sheep, as the peace that surpasses all understanding, and as the joy in the midst of great suffering.
The same God that opened new doors for Paul through his allowed sickness also spurred me on to share the gospel through one of the darkest seasons of my life. He is the same God that has an invitation for you today. You may never receive a cancer diagnosis, in fact, I pray that you don’t, but you will hear bad news. You will experience pain, loss, confusion, and many other results of the fall. And yet, He will prepare a table for you in the presence of your enemy - a table where you can invite others into the kingdom.
Since we are ambassadors during every season He calls us into, or allows us to go through, my prayer is that we will press into the ever present grace. Grace to recognize the bigger story and the value of an interaction that may lead to the salvation of another - even if it costs us something. Grace to trust His plan for redemption of all things. And grace to walk in the good works planned for us before the beginning of time.
