[Original Post Date: October 9, 2021]
Happy October to you, my SPLENDEUR Sisters! For most of my life, this month has been marked by trips to Tanner’s (our local apple orchard / place of magical childhood nostalgia), celebrating my birthday midway through the month, and of course the visual entertainment of the changing leaves. But ever since my diagnosis of breast cancer in 2018, I am much more aware of October as Breast Cancer Awareness Month. That is why I am so excited to have this third and final article in my blog series coinciding with this international awareness initiative.
If you have been reading along up until this point, then you know that in Part One I shared how the perspective Paul had towards his sickness in Galatians (4:13-14) helped to define my understanding of what kind of good the Lord could bring out of something so disappointing and contradictory to my understanding of blessing. Peace and comfort settled into my soul on the day of my diagnosis when I realized that even cancer could be a vehicle for sharing the gospel.
In Part Two, I shared about the moment my surgeon informed me that my cancer had spread to my lymph node - how that news was like a lit match thrown onto the already present grief that had been pooling in my heart. And yet, I experienced the Lord anew as He walked through the dark days that followed with me. It was like He was my hiking buddy through the valley of shadow and death, patiently waiting to receive any emotion I had to share with Him the moment I was brave enough to do so. It was after that season that I could see how sometimes the way He guides us is by waiting for us to come to Him.
By October 2019, I had graduated from what most people would think of as the typical cancer treatments. Surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation had left the building and in waltzed Fear of the Future, along with its good friend, Anxiety. I had completed each step my rockstar oncologist had recommended and also began a 5 year plan to prevent recurrence. But I was also not ignorant to the truth that some women go through each recommended treatment to still find out their cancer has returned months or years later. This was especially hard to swallow when the new medications had their own unpleasant side effects including hot flashes, mood changes, and joint pain.
I have been a member of the evangelical Christian circle long enough to know that it is not uncommon for someone to open up about fear or anxiety and be met with certain verses quickly pulled from a holster. One such common verse is Philippians 4:6:
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving
let your requests be made known to God.” ESV
I fear (not to be ironic) that the main outcome of this verse, being used like a quick fix solution to avoid looking at the brokenness in our own hearts for too long, is that it effectively mutes the issue at hand. And yet, we see the verse itself encouraging an ongoing dialogue between us, weak and afraid, with God, the one who brings peace that surpasses all understanding as verse 7 goes on to say.
Countless accounts in the Bible show us the Father, Son, and Spirit engaging with those who fear. Luke 24:36-42 tells of Jesus appearing to His disciples after His resurrection. We see that His response to their fright is to declare peace and to logic with them as He encourages them to touch Him and see that He is not a spirit. This tells me that Jesus wants to lead me out of times of fear by encouraging me to see things as He sees them. He wants to tell me why I don’t have to be as afraid as I think I do.
Genesis 21:8-20 tells of Hagar, the Egyptian slave wife of Abraham, after Sarah birthed Isaac and she was sent away. She and her son, Ishmael, had run out of water and were in the wilderness alone - she was so fearful of their future that she had resigned herself to their death. It was in her weeping that she heard an angel of God and was encouraged not to fear because God heard her. She wasn’t told not to fear as if that was the end of the conversation. She was told that her voice and emotions had value and then, in response to her, God opened her eyes to a well nearby. While this isn’t a magic formula of expressing ourselves to God and getting the automatic answer to our prayers in the next moment, I believe it reminds us that He meets our needs when we come to Him.
As I have gotten more and more comfortable being honest with myself, my support system, and my King about my fears, I have allowed the peace of God to meet me in this place. Rather than forcing myself to turn off an emotional switch, I have looked at moments of anxiety and acute uncertainty as an invitation to Him.
Sometimes what I need most in those moments is to share freely and without pretense, so I might go on a walk in my favorite part of town and tell Him each part of this cancer journey that still terrifies me. And then I pause to hear what He wants to say. About half the time a scripture comes to mind reminding me how He plans my steps and that this life was always going to be vapor. Other times I feel as though He is just walking along with me and nodding to let me know He hears and that I am not alone. But either way, I get to the other side of that fearful moment.
Other times, Him reminding me of His ability to control what is unknown to me gives me the distinct freedom to live without figuring out what is coming next. Immediately following treatment, I felt somewhat paralyzed to plan anything. What if my cancer did come back? Did I really want to feel the disappointment of cancelling big plans on top of undergoing more medical care?
My therapist at the time nudged me to plan things anyway - especially when I felt afraid to do so. So I signed up for a pasta making class in Chicago that I had always wanted to take. And slowly, the more plans I made, the more natural it felt to dream again as if certain fears were pushed to the edge of my mental space. The paralyzation was snapped by recognizing the cause, saying it out loud, and essentially doing the opposite in strength not my own.
I’d like to end by looking at Phillipians 4 again - but more specifically, the beginning of the sentence right before verse 4:
“The Lord is at hand”
The author prefaces a reminder to work through fear and anxiety with prayer and thanksgiving by giving a spoiler - the Lord will return and our eternity will be with Him. I’m thankful that Jesus doesn’t bury the lead - He knows what to direct our minds and hearts toward while also keeping open office hours to hear the cries of our hearts. I pray each of you would have confidence in your King. Confidence that He loved you unto the point of death, confidence that He wants to hear you, and confidence that what is to come is going to be magnificent.
